7-5-09
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I was sitting on the floor, staring at the wall as usual today when I was evaluating my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I guess you could say I had an epiphany. "Wow. My ex-girlfriend sure was a stupid, annoying bitch. I'm glad I dumped her before she made me lose what little sanity I have left. " I thought to myself. But then I realized something else: most women do the same things to piss me off that she did."<br /><br /><br /><br />So I've decided to make a list of all the things women do to piss me off to help women become less annoying as a whole.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>1. Stop fucking with my head</h2><br /><br />Nearly every conversation I've ever had with a woman has been an extremely strenuous activity. It's like when you go to the bathroom to take a shit, but not an ordinary shit. Like one of those shits where you're in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes and it's one of those big, "two-flusher" shits. Then you buckle your pants, look in the mirror, and you realize that all the color is gone from your face. More often than not, THAT'S what talking to a woman is like. Every discussion is some kind of ridiculous mind game. For example, my ex was bitching at me about prom, "Why can't we go? I really want to go! Why can't you go for me? Nag nag nag." Jesus Christ, you're acting like we're married. I don't want to go to prom with you because prom is for faggots. Instead of trying to manipulate me into giving in to your every whim, why not <b>compromise</b> and do something that we can both enjoy instead of making me suffer through the holocaust that is prom? Why the double-standard, you whore? If I go to prom, what do I get out of it? A tragically sub-par, toothy blowjob(you know who you are...)? Get bent.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>2. Stop being so god damn indirect</h2><br /><br /><br />When are women going to stop turning every discussion into a frustrating game of charades? There is absolutely nothing beneficial to feeling like I need a PhD in psychology to understand what the hell you're saying. I used to ask my ex a simple question, for example, "do you want to eat at Applebee's or PIzza Hut?" She would reply with something like "I don't know" or "It doesn't matter, you choose." I would then do as she said and make the choice myself, only to hear her sighing in disappointment because I chose the one she "didn't want." I asked you the most linear question ever, and you chose to give me a non-linear answer. It's your fault. Don't guilt trip me for not being able to decipher the seemingly male-proof non-linear language that women speak. We can't forget this classic scenario that I'm sure ALL men have experienced: <br /><br /><i>Woman: "*pout* *sigh* *I'M AN ATTENTION CRAVING BITCH*"<br /><br />Man: "What's wrong honey?"<br /><br />Woman: "Oh nothing......"<br /><br />Man: "You sure?"<br /><br />Woman: "Yeah.....*sigh*"</i><br /><br /><br /><br />This makes my fucking blood boil when this happens. You're making it painfully obvious that you want to say something, yet when we inquire about it, you just say nothing's wrong. What the fuck? Do you ever see men doing this? No. Cut that shit out and just tell us what the problem is. It's not like we're going to listen anyway. I'm trying to do more important things like playing videos games, so don't bother wasting my time.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>3. Stop wearing makeup</h2><br /><br /><br /><br />Seriously. I don't want to press my cheek up against yours in a hug and have to wipe off your stupid cover-up. Having it seem like your face is falling apart like that guy in the bathroom scene from The Poltergeist is NOT hot. It doesn't make you look any better despite what you might think; I'm always right, so trust me. But lets assume for a minute that it DOES make you look better, just for shits and giggles. Chances are if a guy only likes you because you look good, then he's a shallow bastard anyway who probably wears hollister, listens to stupid mainstream pop/rap, plays football, goes partying with his stupid douchebag friends and then proceeds to make fun of and taunt everyone who doesn't spend 50 hours a week working out thereby causing those unlucky bastards to build up so much anger that they fly off the edge and end up writing a list of things women should stop doing just to vent. FUCK.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>4. Stop wearing perfume</h2><br /><br /><br /><br />It smells like shit and gives me a headache. If you want to smell nice, consider the following technique I like to call "showering." Showers are often found in your bathroom, above the bathtub. They generally have a faucet attatched to them that looks like this:<br /><br /><img src="http://tashian.com/carl/archives/shower.jpg" /><br><br />In the picture above, turning the faucet the right produces hot water, while turning it to the left produces cold. Ingenious device, really. <br /><br><br><br /><h2>5. Stop wearing hairspray</h2><br /><br><br><br />Hairspray smells worse than perfume and makes your hair feel brittle. Having a guy run his fingers through your hair and having it feel like they're fisting a bale of hay is hardly romantic. Yuck!<br /><br><br><br /><h2>6. Stop squawking about equality</h2><br /><br><br><br />I don't want to hear this equality bullshit anymore. I've had enough. You're always ready to protest unequal pay, unequal treatment, but I've yet to see a women's rights activist group protesting  the US government to let them sign up for the draft, I've yet to see a women's rights activist group protesting the legal double-standard that is alimony. Until I see that, fuck your equality. If you want equality, you better be willing to take the whole package. None of this "equal as long as it's convenient for me" bullshit.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>7. Stop expecting me to text you</h2><br /><br /><br /><br />Texting is hands-down the most annoying, tedious endeavor that I'm expected to abide to every day. If you text me, ONLY text me if it's something important. Don't just say "sup?" If you expect me to respond to something like that, you're in for a disappointment.<br /><br /><br /><br /><h2>8. Grow a brain</h2><br /><br /><br /><br />One of the biggest grievances I have with women is the fact that very few can stimulate me intellectually. And more often than not, I feel like I'm talking to a little kid, having to explain everything I've just said because I've used a word that's more than 4 letters. Not to mention most women are too stupid to realize that their boyfriend is a huge asshole who will constantly mistreat them as long as they're together while good, honest, intelligent guys waste their life sitting inside ranting about trivial bullshit on the internet to an audience that really doesn't give a shit.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />That just about covers it. If you're a girl and I talk to you, then you should be proud that you're one of the few women that are actually good human beings. I wouldn't waste my time unless I really thought there was something good about you.