6-24-09
If I had to sum the plot of this movie in two words, I would call it, "Swiss cheese." Michael Bay has really outdone himself as far as hole-riddled, depth-lacking plots are concerned.
I don't even know where to start with this movie. If the fact that the only praise this movie has been getting has been regarding the special effects doesn't speak for itself, I'm not sure how I can convince you that this is a shitty movie.
Since this was a 12 AM showing, some people were tired and fell asleep. I envy them.
I know it's just supposed to be about the action, and I'm a sucker for shitty action movies, but even I can't stomach the blatant incoherence that Michael Bay has directed in this dragged-out, two and a half hour long aneurysm-inducing piece of shit.
It's as if he sits there and tries to make as less sense as he possibly can. Here's how I imagine his thought process goes:
Assistant: "The cube needs to be destroyed, we should make one of the autobots hold it."
Michael Bay: "No no no; that would make sense. Lets give it to the boy instead."
Despite the fact that the script and the acting are borderline porno quality, I'll try to explain some of my greviences about this movie without ruining the "story."
One of my main complaints is that the military sacrificed thousands of lives just so Shia Labeouf didn't die. What the hell is so special about Shia Labeouf? Do you know how many people the American government and American run corporations exploit for the sole purpose of their own benefit every day? In one scene of the film, this army guy says something along the lines of, "Isn't the cost of saving the world worth one life?"
Actually, I can't remember who the hell said it, but that's not the point. The point is, he's half-right: the cost of saving the world is worth one life. The reason he's only half-right is because Shia Labeouf deserves to die simply for being him. Go back to digging holes at camp Greenlake, you worthless fuck.
Quite frankly, there's only one guy on planet Earth worth losing thousands of lives for, and that man is Samuel L Jackson.
No, not even the parodied-to-death Chuck Norris is worthy. Speaking of Chuck Norris, please cut that shit out. It's not funny, and every time you do it it makes me cringe. Although I have to admit: it's an easy way to tell if someone is a dumbass. Back on topic
In another scene, the gang is at an air hanger which they got to on an NY to DC trip that took seemingly no time whatsoever. For some unexplained reason, Megan Fox is carrying this little shit of a Decepticon and the sliver of the cube and they accidentally resurrect another Decepticon who is conveniently on their side.
Shia Labeouf draws some weird shit with a ceremonial dagger that he inexplicably got(probably from one of his NAMBLA meetings) between the camera angle changes. And he's drawing the ground I'm assuming because he's autistic, and that's what autistic people do.
The friendly Decepticon is like "Oh shit son, you've gotta go to the Egyptian desert." This is where Michael Bay's directing skills(or lack therof) really shine. This flash happens and the friendly Decepticon and the gang end up in the desert. This is completely unexplained. The friendly Decepticon says some metaphorical bullshit that none of them understand and then vanishes and leaves them in the desert like an asshole. And when I say "vanish" I literally mean he just disappears. He's there and then all the sudden there's no trace of him.
Some bullshit happens and then they somehow contact the military and they give in to everything they tell them completely contrary to their course of actions throughout the first part of the movie.
More action and less cohesion occurs and then this mega-monster thing is ripping apart this giant pyramid that has a thousands-of-years old monster in it that, for whatever reason, archeologists never found.
The psycho guy from Anger Managment, Chuck, is climbing up the pyramid that the mega-monster thing is destroying with seemingly no debris. I guess the debris magically dissolve before they reach Chuck.
They shoot the mega-monster and kill it and then out of fucking no where Shia LaBoufe or however the fuck you spell his stupid name's parents show up! In the middle of egypt!
Actually, I'd like to touch up on Shia LaBoufe. That's such a stupid name. He should be shot.
Shia LaBoufe gets his shit ruined but then unfortunately comes back to life after he has a near death experince that turns this magic dust into this spear thing that he stabs into Optimus Prime's corpse. It makes no sense at all. It's fucking stupid. I hate this movie. I hate Shia LaBoufe, I hate Megan Fox, and I hate everyone who gets a raging hard on for shitty movies with cool effects. FUCK YOU.
Speaking of Megan Fox, am I the only one who thinks her attractiveness is over-rated? She looks like a whore.
She looks like a fucking mannequin.
What ever happened to REAL attractive women?
Jennifer Aniston always comes to mind when I think of sexy. I'm sorry, but I just prefer my women looking like they wont break if I give them a hug.
One more thing I'd like to say: the hot chick that comes on to Shia at the beginning of the movie is a Decepticon, which should be obvious because no girl in their right mind would. I just thought I'd ruin that for you.
TL;DR don't see Transformers 2. It's a shitfest.